i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
