i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
