Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
