You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
