If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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