I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
