The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
