I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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