Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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