I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
