i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
