if i can run in heels then i can drive
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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