I wish my penis had an off switch
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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