I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
