So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Semen is not good for contacts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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