Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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