Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
