hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
