Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You've changed since you got that strap on
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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