Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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