my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
