I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
