I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
