Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Randomize
