when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
