It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
