He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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