I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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