I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
