You made me cry and you don't even care
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
