i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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