She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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