We won't sleep together?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
