I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
