He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
