I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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