I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
