i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
