Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
