Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
