Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
