I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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