sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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