Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize