When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
