The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
