Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
