Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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