ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
