Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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