I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
