We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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