Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize