K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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