nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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