I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
