Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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