One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
