I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
