i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize