In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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