Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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