Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
